Kelly’s testimony

From a young age I had always believed there was 'a god'. In school, I always fought the corner of creation, there was no doubt in my mind that God created everything. As I watched my father’s faith grow in my teenage years, I was intrigued and attended chapel with him on a few occasions. I listened earnestly, felt moved by what was being said and agreed with it all, but obviously didn't take it very seriously because as soon as I was out of there I was sinning left right and centre. I knew the Word of God was true deep down but being a know it all teenager, I decided I wanted to live my own life and I certainly wasn't prepared to make any changes because I loved my life and all its worldly pleasures so much! I started going clubbing, sometimes on my own, seeking out like-minded people who loved that buzz as much as I did. I caused my family so much worry but literally did not care, I was young and living in the moment and that's all that mattered. As years went on, the path I chose led me to make so many mistakes and bad choices. Life consisted of a pattern of short lived highs followed by deeply sad and dark lows, living under a big black cloud of depression. Then God blessed me with children and I still wasn't truly happy. Instead I told myself I didn't deserve to be a mother and my children deserved better. This continued for years, I still didn't acknowledge that my life of rebellion against God was the root cause of all my problems. Then in May of this year I heard the news that my niece had cancer. I was heartbroken for my family, my sister and her partner were good people, amazing parents, it just didn't seem fair. I found myself searching on Google, asking why does God let such things happen. Slowly I started to accept that while we may not understand the reason for these things at the time, God has a plan for each and every one of us. I cast my mind back to when I lost my twins, the worst time of my life. Even though it was truly horrifying, God allowing that to happen saved me from a relationship that would have ultimately killed me and left my children motherless. So, after I accepted that my niece's cancer was God’s will I began to pray. I broke down and begged God to listen, I cried out asking for forgiveness for all that I had done, and thanked Him for keeping me alive all this time through all the troubles I have faced. I prayed for my niece  to keep her free from pain and to give her parents the strength to get through it, and he listened to every word!! From that day on I have felt God’s presence in my heart, changing it every day. All my worries, my guilt and my depression have disappeared. It's as if God used my niece's illness to wake me up and make me realise that we need him. When I cried out He answered and I will spend the rest of my life thanking Him for it. The Lord has saved me from my deeply troubled soul, and now my heart is filled with so much love for him. It's as if everything just clicked into place after I opened up to Him. I appreciate every tiny thing in my life now. I have the strength to help my family in any way I can whereas before I was always the one needing help. I am more patient, forgiving, loving towards others and I just ask myself "what would Jesus do?" in every situation.  The guilt I carried around on my shoulders for things I have done in the past is now gone because I know in my heart that God gave his only son Jesus Christ to die for all of our sins.   Now that I am a Christian, the enemy of our souls, the devil, tries hard to break me. Even after I opened up to an older Christian about that I have been saved, the following days I found myself thinking that I am not good enough to be a Christian. But the Lord came through to me as I opened my Bible to Deuteronomy where Moses is warning the people of Israel of the consequences they face if they do not obey God, that they will quickly perish from the land and be destroyed. Then I read the words "But if from there you seek the Lord your God, you will find him if you seek him with all your heart and all your soul." [Deuteronomy 4 verse 29]. This says to that no matter what you have done in the past, if after all of that you come to Christ and ask for forgiveness then you will be accepted into the kingdom of heaven.  All I want to do now is tell others of how my life has changed, hoping that they be saved and get to experience the amazing feeling of being in a relationship with God.